Denial, Deceit, Discovery

By J James

Biography & memoir

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8 mins

Chapter One

Around the age of ten I remember having my first ‘gay’ feelings. There were no positive role models around in the late-eighties and no one ever talked about being gay or gay feelings, or if they did it was always in a very derogatory way to belittle or mock someone. So I had no concept of the meaning of these feelings. My first vivid memory was when I saw my primary school teacher, Mr Simms, naked in the shower whilst at holiday camp. He was a young, fit and rather handsome guy. I remember being enticed by his hairy, thickset body and of course his penis, which I was mesmerised by. At the age of ten there did not seem to be anything sexual involved, just utter fascination. The image of his naked body still stays with me now.

This vision occurred on the first night of the trip. We were in the final year of primary school and had travelled to Cornwall on an adventure activities week. It was so much fun staying in a caravan with a group of your closest friends. There were about six pupils per caravan with one adult supervising in each. I remember my disappointment when our teacher announced who the responsible adult was in our caravan. I really wanted it to be Mr Simms but instead we got Rob, the older brother of one of my classmates. His girlfriend was also supervising one of the other caravans. Rob was a scrawny, lanky young guy covered in threatening tattoos; the perfect image for someone supervising primary aged pupils I am sure! Looking back now I guess he did have a cute face, although his mass of ginger hair made him less appealing. I remember when he arrived at school wearing grey jogging pants, that were certainly too tight in the crotch area, I noticed something nestling in there and I’m sure I was not the only one as I caught a few of the younger teaching assistants giggling.

Mr Simms had ordered us to take showers at six o’clock, after a long and lively bus ride from school earlier that day. Once showered, we were instructed to go back to the caravans and settle down before lights out at nine. I think Mr Simms had deliberately waited for us to be tucked up in bed before taking a shower himself, for the purpose of appropriateness. I had left my wash bag in the shower block so had crept back over to collect it. The path to the old shower room was really dark, but I could see a light in the distance and hear the sound of running water. As I gently opened the door I caught a glimpse of his hairy tight butt. I was frozen to the spot and waited until he turned around so I could see what was hanging between his legs. Mr Simms was covered top to toe in soap suds and his eyes were closed so he did not spot me staring. He turned back around and the hot soapy water ran down his muscular back and the crack of his arse. He was a rugby player at the weekends and so, although very short, he had very muscular, strong legs. I thought rob would be looking for me soon so I grabbed my wash bag and, before leaving, took one last look at what would later come to be the type of man I would fantasise about fucking.

I’m not quite sure why the school allowed rob and his girlfriend to act as ‘responsible adults’ because they were anything but responsible! I grew up in a very working-class area of south Wales with high unemployment and crime figures above the national average. Whilst I’m proud of my upbringing I certainly recognise the calibre of people my school had to choose from when organising this kind of trip. Rob was an unemployed nineteen-year-old former pupil at our Catholic school, and many of his siblings were still going through the education system. He was someone you would describe as ‘dragged up’ – six siblings, five different fathers.

On the third day Mr Simms had organised for us to go swimming at the pool, which was located on the caravan site. There were a number of lifeguards there so he had given the accompanying adults, including Rob and his girlfriend Julie, some much-needed time off. you can imagine how difficult it was to control a caravan full of pre-pubescent kids. I am sure the sleep deprivation was starting to take its toll on these volunteers.

After twenty minutes of swimming I needed the toilet, so I quickly ran back to my caravan with my close friend Michael. We came bounding into the caravan like two labrador puppies to discover Julie holding the rather thick, long and very pink cock attached to Rob. We were frozen to the spot and, for the first time on the trip, speechless. Of course my beady eyes were transfixed by Rob’s cock. This was the first time I had ever seen an erect dick. The veins were throbbing and the foreskin was fully retracted. It looked wet and slimy so I guessed Julie had been feasting on it. Julie was one of those girls who others assumed was a bit of a slut due to her weekly change of boyfriend, and she certainly dressed to earn herself that fine label. She looked like a cheap whore trying to make an impression, but it really wasn’t working. I know it was the 1980s but was it ever appropriate to wear a tracksuit and stilettos? She was also sporting a mass of bleached blonde, poorly permed hair, tied back with a scrunchy. Well, regardless of my opinion, Rob seemed to be into her.

When I reflect now on the incident, what surprises me is how Rob was not shocked or embarrassed. He did not jump up and jam that snake back in his trousers. No, he just sat there, holding it and playing with it. I think he got some pleasure from his role in enlightening us! It felt like we had been standing there for hours, not seconds when finally he spoke as he stood up, the long, now semi-flaccid cock waving at the ground.

‘What’s up boys? Never seen a dick before? You pair of puffs!’ This was the first time anyone had ever used a gay term against me. I only knew the meaning because I remember my grandfather shouting that at the TV when some sexy male celebrity was being interviewed. Michael and I never looked at each other or spoke to each other. We did not even take that much-needed piss we had been craving. We walked backwards out of the caravan, ran back to the pool and never mentioned a word to anyone!

Of course boys will be boys and later that day we had all dared each other to show our cocks under torchlight. Again, whilst being fascinated I do not remember being sexually aroused by this. Six ten-year-olds all sharing one double bed. One by one we had to go to the foot of the bed, lower our y-fronts and wait for the torches to be shone on our shrimp-like penises. For some reason I was made to go first and I caused hysteria when showing my boyhood. I gingerly positioned by wafer thin body at the opposite end of the tiny and rather cramped room, pushed my black, thick-rimmed national Health glasses up my nose bridge and yanked down my red and black pants. I was mortified by the laughter, but later realised it was because I already had pubic hair and my balls were hanging rather low. It is hard to believe now, since I am a short, 5 foot 7 adult male, but I was the tallest in the class. Growing up and going through puberty is not easy for anyone, let alone someone who has the start of homosexual feelings. No one ever talks about puberty so you assume everyone else is the same. It seemed for now I was the man of the group, which would also lead to being the butt of many jokes to come when back at school.

During the final year of primary school, I would frequently stay over at another close friend’s house. Nick and I would often wrestle with each other and ‘accidentally’ grab each other’s cocks. Actually I hated staying at Nick’s house because his gran was crazy, the place was freezing cold and they never fed you breakfast in the morning. But I loved my time with Nick. He was such a great friend who always made me laugh. I enjoyed the intimate moments too, although at the time we didn’t see them as this. We never got hard, but I remember us vigorously rubbing ourselves on each other and it felt good. I do not think Nick was in the same place as me. I think he was a typical young boy exploring the world around him.

Nick’s father was never around so I think he enjoyed the male company. He was much better looking than me and attracted a lot of attention from the girls in our class. We were both part Italian, but his part seemed to be working better for him in terms of looks and appeal. On many occasions he advised me on the clothes to wear and how best to style my hair. It was also because of him that I played football; well tried to at least! I am not sure if I joined the team because I genuinely wanted to or just so that i could spend more time with him. One time I made both the school rugby and football teams – a bid to impress my father and grandfather I think. The showers after the matches were crazy. The other lads, who were far more confident than me, would piss on each other, grab each other’s cocks and once they even had a race to cum first! And it was me that they were calling homo! Although we never talked about it, I think it was a perfectly normal stage for boys to be intrigued by other boys. I have seen or been a part of so many incidents like this that it has to be normal. Either that or my hometown is full of raging homos in denial! So many of my friends wanted to fumble around, in primary school, high school and even as a young adult. And it seemed ‘cocking around’ was part of laddish behaviour.

What added to the confusion was that I also used to do the same thing with Joanna, a girl who lived a few doors away. Every Tuesday her mum would go to bingo with my aunt Jess, and me and five lads would go to her house and take turns kissing her and feeling her breasts, even though she was the girlfriend of one of the lads! We were only eleven years old at the time. This progressed into dry humping and I remember the first time I came after vigorously rubbing myself on her. There was a brown leather bean bag behind the back of the sofa and whilst kissing her one time I pushed her back on the inviting over-sized cushion. The other boys seemed a little surprised or shocked by my actions and maybe this reaction contributed to the level of excitement I felt. At first it just felt like a more comfortable position but as I moved my hips in a rhythmic pattern I felt a new and unusual sensation. Nick and Michael were eagerly looking on and I guessed it was their sniggering I could hear. I didn’t feel self-conscious at all. I certainly was not excited by Joanna but the angle of our bodies was causing the most incredible waves of indescribable pleasure that ended suddenly with waves of erratic spasms that made Michael laugh out loud. I had no comprehension about what had just happened and the small wet patch on the crotch of my beige chinos disturbed me somewhat.

‘Haha, he has pissed himself!’ sniggered Nick.

‘Oh get lost!’ I snapped back. I was so embarrassed at this point, and we were all so naïve and unaware that I had just had an orgasm for the first time in my life!

Joanna was not the most attractive of girls and on reflection she was quite manly aside from her over-sized breasts, but those Tuesdays were so exciting! I will never understand why our friend just stood there whilst we acted like testosterone-crazed baboons. Maybe he grew up to be a voyeur.

There must be something about the children of parents who play bingo because my first ‘physical’ experience involved a boy whose mother also played bingo every Tuesday. James and I had been friends since starting high school and now that Nick was attending a different school to me, I seemed to spend most of my time with my new best mate. James and Michael also didn’t get along with each other and although I was still really fond of Michael, I preferred how much more fun James was. I remember looking up to James like some sort of role model in terms of fashion and charisma. He was not necessarily the most handsome boy at school but he was certainly popular on account of his humorous personality. My feelings towards him did not seem inappropriate at any time. I just really enjoyed being with him. James was the first person I knew who had Sky TV at home and we spent hours watching MTV into the early hours on the nights when I stayed over. After surfing through the endless channels we stumbled upon a number of adult channels that we were unable to view on account of the deliberate blurring to protect the innocent! We were both 13 years old and our hormones were racing. This teasing had flicked a switch and we both needed satisfying.

‘My brother has some sexy films in his room. I remember hearing a girl moaning on the TV and he quickly turned it off when I ran into his room one time,’ laughed James.

James’ brother Gavin was much older and much hairier than his younger brother. I remember seeing him walking from the bathroom to his bedroom after a shower and being shocked by the amount of thick black hair on his back. After rigorously searching Gavin’s room, we finally stumbled upon his straight porn collection. As a young teenager this was my first porn experience and I loved every moment. I remember being obsessed with the guy’s cock, barely noticing the woman he was fucking. It was incredibly thick and the way the foreskin retracted in the woman’s hand fascinated me. I couldn’t get the image out of my head. The first two occasions we watched the film we just giggled and pretended to be disgusted by the on-screen action. We were too afraid of being caught by his brother to allow the moment of indulgence to continue. However, the need grew stronger and we couldn’t contain our excitement each week when his mother finally left the house.

Gavin worked away from home now and so most weeks we knew we were unlikely to be disturbed for a few hours. James and I would talk about the size of the women’s tits or how we couldn’t wait to taste pussy. But of course, I was lying. I was thinking about anything but pussy. I was imagining holding the thick penis in my hand and kissing the guy. I would often run home and go straight into the bathroom where I would masturbate over the thought of touching the guy from the movies. The moment I came I hated myself. I felt dirty and confused and yet I still never considered this meant that I was gay.

After several weeks I felt a kind of obsession with the men in the movie and their dicks. the last time we enjoyed this viewing pleasure together I remember being aware of my erection as the woman simultaneously sucked on two big black cocks. I glanced over at James who was now masturbating inside his boxers. This increased my own excitement to another level. Taking a second glance, I saw that his penis was now in his hand with his jeans and oversized boxers half way down his skinny thighs. I edged myself a little closer to him with each glance until I suddenly reached across and placed his small penis inside my sweaty palm. It was certainly not comparable to the monster I had been perving over onscreen but it was the first cock aside from my own that I had played with. I had only stroked it a few times before he came without a single sound. It was thrilling yet terrifying at the same time. He simply stood, cleaned himself up and we never spoke of it again.

After failing to rewind the cassette to the same start point it was not difficult for Gavin to realise how we were spending our evenings together and after receiving a small beating, James promised he would never steal the tapes again. I never considered that these playful evenings were the start of many enticing encounters that were going to contribute to the total confusion and misery of the years to come.



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